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  • Fernando Bravo

Flat Earthers in Space

Updated: 7 days ago

The world was coming to an end, and much sooner than expected. The Sun was running out of fuel very quickly, so it was going to explode.

There was a lot of debate about it, of course.

Politicians debated: “First it was ‘Global warming,’ now it’s, ‘the sun will pop!’ When will the madness end?” and “The Earth is warming, BECAUSE the sun’s about to ‘pop!’”

Scientists debated: “First it was ‘global carbon dioxide emissions have increased dramatically since the beginning of the industrial revolution which correlates with increases in the average global temperatures,’ now it’s, ‘the sun will go supernova!’ When will the madness end?” and “The Earth is warming, BECAUSE the sun will go supernova!”

Children debated: “It’s gonna be so cool!” and “No its not!”

And then there were those that debated to debate: “The Earth is flat, the sky is a dome, and we never landed on the moon!”

When the first piece of the Sun took out Nantucket Island, the debates stopped. Well, not really; they just changed to, “Rockets for everyone!” and “Who’s going to pay for them?”

Ultimately, several corporations made themselves really wealthy racing each other to be the first to provide rockets for everyone. Since there wasn’t much time, governments gave contracts to all 300,078 of the competing firms. It didn’t matter whether they would finish on time, as long as they got started. This calmed everyone down.

Nevertheless, some organizations took finishing on time seriously, as they envisioned a future after the Grand Exodus. So they worked diligently to provide as many rockets—pods—to as many people as possible. Also, they charged a premium (despite the fact that their governments had already fully funded each company) to anyone who wanted to guarantee they received their pod on time.

Other organizations charged a premium also, but didn’t intend on finishing on time. Still others charged a premium and didn’t bother to get started; they just ordered pods from the few companies that would likely finish on time and resold them. And finally, there were those that just charged a premium and used the money to buy pods for themselves.

In the end, there were only three companies that managed to finish on time, and they provided pods for about half a billion people (500,807,727 to be exact).

Since not everyone received a pod, typically the smartest, the meanest, and the dumb-luckiest made it off the planet. Of those, there were two individuals that thought everything was a lie fabricated by their governments and they said they boarded pods “to expose the lie.” Their names were Harold and his twenty-something-year-old boy Mickey (named after the famous mouse).

What follows is a transcript of audio of some of their conversations, recorded by their pod, via microphones on the collars of their space suits. The transcription below begins with audio that occurred as their pod rose through the Earth’s atmosphere. It ends after they stepped off the pod; their voices could still be heard for a little while as they walked away.

Transcript of Conversations between Harold and his son Mickey

Harold: Obvious deep fake space ride.

Mickey: Uh huh.

Harold: How stupid do they think we are?

Mickey: Good resolution.

Harold: Exactly. I can’t believe they went this far. Convincing everyone the World was coming to an end? I mean, damn, talk about a conspiracy.

Mickey: Why?

Harold: Exactly. And for what! To convince us the World is a sphere!

Mickey: Look at all the pods. Must be hundreds.

Harold: Half a billion pods. It should look like a cloud of pods, not just a few hundred. They can’t even fake an exodus.

Mickey: Yup.

Harold: Hey, look at that one! What does it say, “The…Earth…is…Flat.”

Mickey: Ha, ha, good one.

Harold: You go brother! Wait…what the…why are they opening the—Oh no! Did you see that? They just got sucked out.

Mickey: Uh oh, they’re gonna hit us!

Harold: Don’t worry we’ll be—man, that was loud.

Mickey: Did you see their faces? They didn’t look right.

Harold: Right! More evidence.

Mickey: No, I meant—

Harold: Those bastards!

Mickey: What?

Harold: They programmed Flat Earthers in space and then killed them. What a dick move!

Mickey: How come they didn’t fall?

Harold: You’re right! More evidence!

Mickey: Hey, I'm floating.

Harold: Wow, they are good.

Mickey: This is fun. When it’s over, can we go again?

Harold: I don’t know. We must’ve been doing this for, what, like half an hour? And all the prep before that. I don’t know if I want to unload all of our belongings only to bring them back.

Mickey: Yeah, suitcases were heavy.

Harold: I know some folks that loaded their books and left lots of clothes behind.

Mickey: I don’t feel so good.

Harold: No! Stop! Don’t open that. We might be dropping at a tremendous speed to make us float. Do you want to get sucked out of an airplane at twenty thousand feet?

Mickey: How long are we going to keep dropping like this?

Harold: Just give it a few more minutes.

Mickey: Look at the Earth now. It’s a beautiful fake.

Harold: Can you imagine how beautiful a simulation done right would have looked? Now that would’ve been beautiful. Or better yet, the real thing. If we were really in a rocket ship going to the top of the dome, that would’ve been a sight to see.”

Mickey: Yeah.

Harold: There’s the fake moon that we never landed on, ever.

Mickey: I’m tired of this ride.

Harold: Didn’t you just tell me you wanted to go again?

Mickey: We don’t stop dropping.

Harold: Uh oh.

Mickey: What?

Harold: If we don’t stop dropping…we’re going to hit a hard stop.

Mickey: Finally.

Harold: No, not like that. Like…hit the ground hard.

Mickey: Let’s float above the beds.

Harold: Good idea!

Mickey: Look out the fake window. The Earth is getting smaller.

Harold: No time! We’re going to hit the ground any minute.

* Audio Intentionally Not Transcribed *

Here the dialogue stopped briefly and resumed with what, in the opinion of this chronicler, was a bit immaterial and too mundane to mention. Topics included favorite cartoons, where in the pod to charge mobile devices, attempts to connect to the internet, and something about Mickey wanting to shower after vomiting, followed by his dad reminding him that they didn’t have a shower or a way to bathe, so they would have to wait until they returned home after “the ride.” Further gaps in audio of interest, or silence, will be indicated accordingly.

* Transcription Resumes *

Mickey: How many hours has it been? How come we haven’t landed yet?

Harold: We were really high up.

Mickey: I gotta pee.

Harold: Hold it a little longer.

Mickey: I can’t.

Harold: Do you wanna die?

Mickey: I’m going to the bathroom.

* Audio Intentionally Not Transcribed *

Harold: Feel better?

Mickey: Yup.

Harold: Did you pee into the tube?

Mickey: What tube?

Harold: What did you pee into?

Mickey: Not sure.

Harold: I think now I gotta go.

Mickey: Hurry.

* Audio Intentionally Not Transcribed *

Mickey: Why are you wet?

Harold: Pee floats too, and I’m wearing yours.

Mickey: Sorry.

Harold: That’s why I told you to use the tube.

Mickey: No you didn’t.

Harold: Yes I did.

Mickey: Did you find the tube?

Harold: Yes!

Mickey: You smell.

Harold: I’m not going to change now. We’ll be back down soon.

* Audio Intentionally Not Transcribed *

Mickey: How many hours has it been?

Harold: Thirty-eight.

Mickey: When are we going to hit the ground?

Harold: I don’t know.

Mickey: How do they keep us falling like this?

Harold: They must have gone back up while we slept, and then started dropping again, when we woke up.

Mickey: Man, they must really hate us.

Harold: The Earth looks like a basketball; ridiculous.

* Audio Intentionally Not Transcribed *

Mickey: What’s that siren for?

Harold: I don’t know, but we’d better buckle up like they say, just in case they start going up. I wouldn’t want to hit the floor real hard.

Mickey: What do they mean by wormhole?

Harold: They’re just trying to make this interesting.

Mickey: What’s wrong with my nose?

Harold: Don’t look at it. It’s fine.

Mickey: I’m scared. You look…stretchy. It’s getting dar—

* Pause in Audio *

Mickey: Where are we?

Harold: My screen says “Alpha Centauri System.” So we’re supposed to believe we’re going to a different planet.

Mickey: Right.

Harold: Exactly.

Mickey: Wow, good visuals.

Harold: It’s just Earth again.

Mickey: Yeah.

Harold: With a little CGI they just changed the land masses around, as if that’s supposed to convince us.

* Audio Intentionally Not Transcribed *

Mickey: Where are all the buildings?

Harold: They dropped us in the middle of the wilderness. I can’t stand these sphericals! I wonder what country this is. Maybe this guy coming toward us knows. Hey you!

Man: Hello, there. Are you American?

Harold: Of course I am. Are you British? Are we in England?

Man: Australian. We’re going to form a colony right here. It’s perfect.

Harold: Australia? The nerve! Tell me how to get to the airport. I need to get my happy ass back on the couch with a beer, where it belongs.

Man: American sense of humor. I love it.

Mickey: What did he mean by that?

Harold: Who knows. Come, let’s ask around and see if anyone knows how to get to the airport.

Audio End

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